The day always feels like any other day. I wake up early, snooze my alarm for 30 minutes before getting up, make myself a cup of coffee, and check emails. And then out of nowhere, it hits me.
Something heavy sits upon my soul, my energy. Something familiar but always unwanted. A tightening in my chest causes an increase in my heartbeat, quickly followed by my thoughts getting carried away, running down a mountain of scenarios that I know are all in my head. Time passes (usually two hours) and I find myself still laying on my bed, unable to remove myself from this sinking feeling.
Do you ever feel like this?
I do. I occasionally get an episode every several weeks.
I also used to get terrible sad spells that would keep me drowning in my tears for hours. I even used to have suicidal thoughts. I think now it turned into anxiety. Now I understand that anxiety is different for everyone. I'm solely writing from my own perspective and about my siuation.
I realize it occurs during small moments when I'm not busy, when my mind is free to wander into dangerous depths of critique and comparison. That's why I try to keep as busy as I can, to keep my thoughts and emotions occupied. I recently read an article that helped ease my tense mentality on the subject. I felt relief knowing that I'm not the only one feeling like this because sometimes it feels like I am alone and there's no one to help me. It's difficult trying to handle something as heavy as this by yourself, trying to convince yourself you're alright to "save face" in front of everyone. But it's okay to talk about it, it's okay to express how you're feeling. I'm truly blessed to have a support system I can open up to and help calm my worries.
I'm opening up about this now because I've noticed a lot of my friends are casually posting similar situations on social media - probably their way of indirectly venting. Now, I used to do this too and thought I would be perfectly okay afterwards. But nope. I have found that honest communication with others has been the best form of free therapy. Keeping everything hidden away only harbors more emotional tension and if you're not careful, you'll find yourself stuck in a hole that you can't get out of.
If my situation sounds like your situation and you don't have anyone to talk to, message me and we can shit talk our feelings together. No need to struggle alone.
Stay beautiful xx