tidal wave

Here I am, again. It’s starting to feel like I’m always here.
Washed away in dark energy, my sadness. A tidal wave of imbalanced chemicals hoarded in my brain quickly deciding to ruin my happiness, my smile. I guess my latest trick of standing in the light no longer works.

I feel like every time I forgive myself, every time I feel like I’m in a good place, a sad spell is casted upon me. The light I’ve been growing inside shimmers to a dim glow. My anxiety rising like an ocean wave ready to carry me by the ankles. Wild waves crash inside my mind, throwing my thoughts into chaos and with it, my sanity.

I’ve been fighting for so long, I feel exhausted. Weak.
Sometimes, I even feel like giving up.

I feel alone and cold, wet from my waterfall tears. Too afraid to ask for help for fear of bothering another. There’s people around me, people who love me and care about me. People who want to help and who I want help from. But it’s hard, asking for help with something so complex and simple all at the same time.

Next time, I tell myself.
Next time I’ll be better, more prepared for the heavy waves. Next time I’ll keep my feet firm onto the ground. But I know that I won’t and I know that I can’t do this alone. Learning to talk about my mental health is scary. To become even more vulnerable when feeling empty is scary. But, I hope. I hope that talking about it, openly and consistently, will break down walls and help to see that we are all struggling. That we all need to empathize with each other. And we need to remember that.


To whoever reads this, if you’re going through something similar please remember that you are loved and we will get through this. We are strong. We break ourselves down to build ourselves back up again. And I hope that you are surrounded by goodness and with people that support you. Because without my people, I don’t know where I’d be.

K. xx

new consciousness

Now that I am in my mid-20s, I feel many aspects of my life are completely different. Say's every millennial in their twenties who've realized the same thing. These last few months of 2018 have made HUGE impacts on how I view myself, situations, and how I handle those situations. I've been pushing myself out of my comfort zone for the last 3 years or so and I feel as if it has prepared me for where I'm at in my life right now.

Let me fill ya' all in.

I've been living with my sweet boyfriend for 3 months now. An experience I never thought I would...well, experience. Everyone told me how it would be. But until you experience something for yourself, you can't possibly imagine what it's like. I'm currently interning for a supervisor position while also balancing online graduate school to pursue a career in Applied Behavior Analysis. Another reality I never thought I would want for my future. I'm "trying" to continue to push my creative side more, such as my blog that you are reading as I type this. I don't want to just share my "outfit of the day," but rather all the thoughts that get collected in my mind.

Another aspect that has had major changes is in my friendships: what I need from them and how I communicate with people. I used to be very quiet, shy and went along with what my friends wanted to do. But lately, I've come to realize that I need so much more than what I accepted as friendship. I need to find myself a karass of souls that don't cancel plans on me last minute, that don't side comment or subtweet their passive aggressive issues with me, who don't leave me out of conversations, and who are unconditionally there for me as I am for them. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends. But where I am right now, I need more stimulating conversation and growth. Also, I'd LOVE to find a girl gang that loves to dress up for no reason and who religiously follows Rooster Teeth. If you're out there, hit a girl up!

This new consciousness I've been feeling as left me starving for something more. The scary part is is that I need to be the one to go out and figure out what that is. So far, I've been doing something new and out of my bubble every month. In January, I moved out of my parents' place and moved in with my boyfriend. In February, I hiked Mission Peak at 4 am (something that's been on my bucket list for 3 years). And in March last month, I went to a karaoke bar and took the next step in my internship position. I'm not sure what I'll do in April, but I know it's going to be both terrifying and exciting.

A quick thanks for the few that do read my blog, like actually read every word I write. I don't blog for the sake of followers, but as an accountability to myself in sharing what I care about in hopes of connecting with others. You are all beautiful.

K. xx

 

march book club

As any other book lover would say, "I love reading!" There's something magical about reading a book and getting lost in the story that's comforting. I read to escape, to find inspiration. I also read to laugh and to learn about things I don't know. There are so many different reasons to grab a book and what a particular book can make you feel, it's honestly incredible. And after much debate - and my friends constantly supporting and pushing me - I have decided to start a book club! YAY!

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So for this month of March, I will be reading Note to Self by Connor Franta. I knew I wanted to start sharing when I read the introduction of Connor's book. I felt like crying and rejoicing as his words perfectly described myself. The way he writes and explains his feelings, thoughts, and environment is exactly how I like to write and blog. Reading the first few pages gave me such joy and so many thoughts began swirling in my head that I had to share what I was reading so I can discuss with others how I was feeling. 

If you'd like to join me, purchase the book by clicking the link above! Or, you can choose your own book or the current book you're reading and when it comes time to the end of the month discussion, you can explain what you've been reading and share your thoughts and feelings with us. And maybe, I may get inspired and read it too!

Read on lovelies!
K. xx